Monday, 25 April 2011

Do dogs bite the milkman

As a milkman you meet a lot of dogs, I like dogs and they seem to like me.On one delivery there was a Labrador that used to sit serenely in the garden and watch me as I delivered the milk.The customer one day warned me that it had been in a car accident and was a little crazy and that I should watch it as I came up the garden path.

No problem, I did this every single day until one day I was so busy looking at a sexy housewife in her underwear that could just be seen through the window that I forgot about the dog. It did not bark but quietly crept up behind me, bit the back of my leg and then ran. It did not break the skin but it still hurt and I only had myself to blame.

On another delivery a very aggressive Doberman was always left in the garden and would rush up to the gate barking loudly. The milk was always left outside the gate. One day the owner met me at the gate and said let me introduce you to the dog, you can make friends with him and then you can leave the milk on the doorstep. I made friends with him and from that day delivered the milk to the doorstep. Soon afterwards I was delivering milk to this house and the dustmen (Garbage collectors) turned up and the dog went mad. “You must be ****ing mental to go in there“ they said, but then again they were not friends with the dog.
I have come across geese guarding their property and you have to move fast with them, they have long necks and can suddenly give you quite a peck but my worst experience was with two Siamese cats. I can do a good cat meow (as well as Donald duck and chicken noises) and when I came across these two cats in the garden I meowed at them. Big mistake, they went bonkers, started hissing and jumping up at my chest trying to scratch my face and this big brave milkman ended up running as fast as he could to escape the attack

Saturday, 16 April 2011

A miserable milkman in the rain

On cold frosty mornings you may think that a milkman’s job is not the best in the world, especially when some of the milk starts freezing and expanding out of the bottle pushing the foil cap off, but after the initial shock first thing in the morning and picking up the first few frozen empty bottles the finger get used to it and get a warm tingling feeling. It helps if you wear fingerless gloves (mittens) and run up and down the garden paths to keep warm. My milk float had no doors and no heating so it was pretty draughty as well. I had heard of one milkman who jammed a brick on the accelerator and ran alongside his float to keep warm. They did not move very fast but knowing my luck I would surely have crashed if I tried that little trick.

One day it was suggested that I should wear a pair of my wife’s tights under my trousers to keep warm. It works well, too bloody well as my legs were getting red hot and I had to rip them off without taking my trousers off. Mr Bean would have been proud of me.

In all I much preferred the colder weather as it was possible to keep warm but in the summer there was no way you could really cool off, the heat would make your gold tops (Channel island milk) go off, even although I used to keep them protected from the sun under empty crates in the middle of the float.

Then there is rain, terrible stuff for the milkman. You put on a raincoat and some good waterproof leggings and it is like your own personal sauna except the rain eventually gets everywhere, down your neck and in your boots. It was no good wearing wellington boots as they would slow you down and chaff your legs.

To this day when I am working inside and see it raining outside I think to myself “This is one day I would not want to be a milkman again” but it does not rain every day and I think I could easily return to being a “milky” again

Thursday, 7 April 2011

How to really scare a milkman

Just imagine, its early morning, a milkman can start delivery at 5.30 am and I used to. In winter it would be pitch black and you would need a torch to find your way up the garden paths.

I had just been promoted to a supervisor and it was my first day to cover for a milkman on his day off. The round was out in the country and no street lights were available.

I had a pint of milk to deliver and gingerly made my way down the garden path with torch in hand. As I placed the milk on the doorstep I heard a grunt in the distance, probably a fox I thought. On my way back to the milk float it was dark, bloody dark and the dim lights on the float were barely visible because I had parked it front of a hedge. Once again there was a grunt and a sort of a “eurgh” noise, it was definitely human and it was getting closer. Thoughts of the walking dead and vampires raced through my mind. I admit I was scared, in fact f*cking shit scared and I tripped up arse over tit in my rush to get back to the dim light of the milk float cab. As I sat there with shaking hands on the steering wheel it occurred to me that it was not an ideal escape vehicle with a top speed of five miles an hour and the horrible groaning noise was right on top of me. Suddenly there appeared in the sparse light a human figure, I was ready to fight or run, run seemed to be the better option, but suddenly this figure developed a big smiling face and a hand with thumbs up signal. It then occurred to me by the noise and signals that he was deaf and dumb.

I became good friends with this man and would often see him on his early morning walks but it was probably one the most frightening experiences of my life and only rivals the first time I saw my baby sister Wendy and thought that I had a monkey for a sister.