Thursday, 7 April 2011

How to really scare a milkman

Just imagine, its early morning, a milkman can start delivery at 5.30 am and I used to. In winter it would be pitch black and you would need a torch to find your way up the garden paths.

I had just been promoted to a supervisor and it was my first day to cover for a milkman on his day off. The round was out in the country and no street lights were available.

I had a pint of milk to deliver and gingerly made my way down the garden path with torch in hand. As I placed the milk on the doorstep I heard a grunt in the distance, probably a fox I thought. On my way back to the milk float it was dark, bloody dark and the dim lights on the float were barely visible because I had parked it front of a hedge. Once again there was a grunt and a sort of a “eurgh” noise, it was definitely human and it was getting closer. Thoughts of the walking dead and vampires raced through my mind. I admit I was scared, in fact f*cking shit scared and I tripped up arse over tit in my rush to get back to the dim light of the milk float cab. As I sat there with shaking hands on the steering wheel it occurred to me that it was not an ideal escape vehicle with a top speed of five miles an hour and the horrible groaning noise was right on top of me. Suddenly there appeared in the sparse light a human figure, I was ready to fight or run, run seemed to be the better option, but suddenly this figure developed a big smiling face and a hand with thumbs up signal. It then occurred to me by the noise and signals that he was deaf and dumb.

I became good friends with this man and would often see him on his early morning walks but it was probably one the most frightening experiences of my life and only rivals the first time I saw my baby sister Wendy and thought that I had a monkey for a sister.

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